New to forum/modeling and this is first post I see. What a great post.

As a veteran, I have experienced demons after coming home back in 2006. Saw a lot of $hit and had friends give the ultimate sacrifice. I'll tell my story on how I got there.

Came back from deployment and thought I was good at dealing with things. I lived that "you're a man and men don't cry/show emotion". I was very good at pushing things down and not dealing with them. Well, it started creeping up (dreams were the absolute worst) until I was hit with unexplainable guilt and feelings of being lesser than my brothers that passed. I dealt as best I could for a few weeks. I started becoming distant from my wife and son. Wife and I started having issues (due to me being distant and isolating myself). We had divorce papers in hand ready to sign it was so bad. When that happened, I made the choice to end things. In no way would I be able to deal with her moving on and my son having another father figure in his life.

So one day I was at work. I decided I was going to do it. Plan I thought would be perfect. Wife had late meetings at work and would not be home until around 6ish. About mid-day I mentioned I had an "appt" to supervisor. I left and went home. I wrote a quick note and grabbed my pistol. I sat in middle of living room sobbing. I placed pistol where it needed to go and right as I was going to do it, my wife comes walking into the house.

She immediately looked at me and asked me what I thought I was doing. I sat there speechless, just sobbing. I remember having the pistol still in my hand but laying on my lap. Without missing a step, she walks over and removes the gun, puts it on the table. She comes back over and just holds me. Tells me everything is going to be alright.

After sitting there for what seemed like forever. I finally mustered up enough words to express how sorry I was and just let everything come out. I laid so much on here in that instant. I ended up calling what was Military OneSource that night to get an immediate referral to a therapist. The next day I was in talking to someone. After a few sessions of therapy, I was told I had survivors guilt and PTSD. I had no idea what either one was or even meant.

All I can say is God bless my wife. She ended up feeling something was wrong and came home. Still to this day she cannot explain why. I learned so much in the year after going through therapy. She also went through some things because we didn't know that she also suffered from stuff I told her and knowing she almost lost me while deployed. I stayed in therapy for almost 2 years learning coping mechanisms. But, more importantly, learning how to express emotions and not let things bottle up to the point of exploding. My biggest regret is not knowing how a simple selfish action has ripple affects to family and friends. That was really an eye opener for me in therapy.

Now here we are, married 19 years......three beautiful grown boys and a grandbaby. All thanks to my wife who felt something was off one day and followed up on that feeling. Sorry for the long FRAT (f*ck reading all that). I just wanted to add and to say that whatever demons you are going through, there is a light at the end, even when you feel like you're in your darkest. No matter what, you matter and are loved. Seek the help if you need it. If anyone is dealing with something and don't know where to turn, please PM me.